Up Your Likability for Fun and Profit
How much we are Liked, Trusted and Respected has everything to do with whether we establish quality relationships, earn someone’s business, get job promotions and best treatment from other professionals, have our opinions really valued, and may even determine the quality of attention medical professionals deliver. Likability can be learned.
Many prefer to believe it’s our knowledge and skills that account for our being the chosen. While ideally we want to know our stuff as a foundation, ideally well beyond mere competence, studies show that skills and know-how still must compete with other colleagues who also have that knowledge. Skills and knowledge account for only about 20% of our business attraction and personal advancement.
Let’s focus on just one of the Like, Trust, Respect triumvirate. Today’s about the LIKE. It’s often referred to today as Emotional Intelligence.
In one UCLA study, participants rated over 500 adjectives based on their perceived importance relative to our being likable. None of the top rated descriptives had to do with being attractive, intelligent, an extrovert or knowledgeable. Rather, the words most valued were empathy, transparency, and sincerity. These proven attributes that attract positive business and social responses are not necessarily innate. They can be learned. TalentSmart research data of over a million people shows that those who possess these social skills aren’t just likable, but also dramatically out-perform those who don’t take the time to demonstrate likability characteristics.
Here are 10 key traits of likable people
1. Friendliness. Welcome everyone as a respected problem solver, rather than eyeing as a problem maker. Likability is not about being standoffish.
2. Still your mind, actively listen and ask questions. Instead of preparing your comment while others speak, quiet your mind and really focus on hearing. Others will feel respected and you’ll prepare a better comment having heard. Ask questions. It’s good for clarification, avoiding misunderstanding, and people feel you’re paying attention and care. It’s a key for rapport.
3. Put away your cell phone. Show the respect of paying attention. Few do this today. As a result, it’s a small elegance that’s greatly appreciated. Some small gifts open huge connections. Likability to a great extent depends on how valued the “other” feels.
4. Be real. Liking and trusting are an outgrowth of feeling known and safe. A few simple skills to establish a safe connection:
• PAUSING before responding shows you are carefully weighing another’s opinion and experiences. This is another affect of active listening as you create your thoughts after someone speaks.
• Be HONEST and early in admitting, even partial, mistakes. You may be careful to say “I’m sorry for my part of the misunderstanding…”
• Say “I DON’T KNOW” when appropriate. This conveys authenticity, not stupidity. Wouldn’t you rather have a doctor say “good question, let me confer with ..” rather than pretending to have an answer?
• FOCUS. In the age of multitasking, giving another person your undivided attention is flattering. Consider again: put the cell phone out of reach unless truly expecting something that cannot wait. It’s a huge compliment to the other.
5. Make a strong first impression. It takes but a few seconds for the mind to produce the brain chemicals that attract or repel. The rest of the conversation is about the brain developing stories to support those biochemical reactions.
• Use positive body language. Words convey less meaning than overt or subliminal body messages.
• Face the other person squarely. Looking away shows disinterest or, at worst, dishonesty. Likability is based on being and looking present.
• Lean slightly towards your partner with uncrossed arms.
• Make eye contact. Remember, this is your partner, at least for now. Think of this person as if you have known and trusted each other for ages. At the worst, if you go no further, you’ll have had a quality experience. If at best, you grow together, you’ll have made that connection possible.
• Use an enthusiastic tone of voice. Nothing affects progress like the fire and voice of enthusiasm .. except for the lack of enthusiasm which can squelch any emotional fire.
6. Greet people by name. People feel validated when hearing their name in a greeting or during conversation. If you forget their name, ask. You’ll be more respected asking then if you fake it.
7. Be positive. Be consistent in mood even if things don’t go your way. Being consistent and reliable is part of your likability message.
8. Knowing who and how to touch is one of today’s hot social topics. Start with a warm handshake. An outstretched hand was started to show no hidden weapons. Now, a handshake that is warm, measured in strength and duration, conveys our willingness to connect. The feeling of caring is the result of the neurotransmitter oxytocin released in the brain. Touching triggers its release.
9. Showing empathy, seeing something from the other person’s perspective, generates likability. Acknowledging and respecting another’s feelings while summarizing what you think you heard, lets people know your desire to understand them is genuine.
10. Be nonjudgmental. Treat everyone as you would a valued older relative. Don’t gossip. “If you’ll gossip in my face about others, what will you say of me when I’m not around?”
Likable people are easy to get along with, bring out the best in others, attract success and relationships and seem to have the most fun. Developing one or more of the traits listed above can make every part of your life more approachable and enjoyable!
Thank you for reading. Please do pass this forward.
